The Waiting Game and the Mind Games

I’ve got cancer, I’m going to die a horrible death soon and my kids will be orphaned.

I don’t have cancer. It’s just a thickening due to hormones. I can have treatment and get on with my life.

These are the two conflicting ideas I can’t stop my brain from debating every single second, including when I’m asleep. They’re extremes, especially the negative one, because getting cancer isn’t an immediate death sentence these days and there are lots of treatment options open to an early-caught malignancy. But it’s hard to stay positive. I feel as if disaster looms over me like a storm cloud which will break on Tuesday when I have my diagnostic hysteroscopy. These days while I wait for the appointment are slow and difficult. I’ve lost my appetite and I can’t sleep.

The other problem is that if I do get good news – the all clear – I’m unlikely to believe it and still want preventative treatment of some kind. Scans, tests, and cameras can’t detect microscopic particles that can implant and grow elsewhere. Recur. Pop up a couple of months or years later.

It’s all so terrifying, and it seems so easy to get. A thickening of the lining of the womb. That’s all it is at the moment – that’s all it’s known to be. But it’s suspicious, and is often an indicator of cancer or pre-cancer, especially at my age. I’d be delighted with a diagnosis of pre-cancer, but I think I’d still want a hysterectomy.

Oh I don’t know. I shouldn’t guess at what I might or might not want IF I get a bad news diagnosis. I should try and get my mind to live in the moment, take each day as it comes, concentrate on the now (and other cliches easy to say and almost completely impossible to do). I should, I should… I can’t, I can’t.

Wait. I have to wait.

The best way to wait is to keep busy. It’s the weekend and I’m seeing friends on both Saturday and Sunday and there are the children to look after and the ex-husband to chat with. My ex-husband has been kipping on my sofabed for the last five weeks since he split up with his girlfriend and had nowhere to go. It’s very odd but it’s actually quite nice having him around, especially now as I’d be more lonely and worried dealing with this on my own.

Back to waiting.

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