SIGH.

And SIGH again.

A few days ago I had an ultrasound on my womb and it showed some fibroids and a thickened lining. I don’t know by how much, but this is not good news. I get the feeling that it’s quite likely to be cancer. It was such a horrible shock to get the phone call. You can tell when a doctor knows something is serious by the words they use and their tone of voice. This was serious. She wasn’t making me any promises. My world reeled about my head and my breathing became shallow. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I had a sense of a gulf opening up, a crossing over into another world, the world of medical problems, appointments, treatments and severe anxiety.

In a few days’ time I will go for a hysteroscopy where they will investigate further and possibly take a biopsy. For the last 24 hours I’ve been in a horrible state of terror. I have no appetite. My mind has gone into overdrive catastrophising all sorts of painful suffering, early death, and grief-ridden, orphaned children. Last night I couldn’t stop the thoughts coming, wave after wave of them, frightening me ever more and more.

I didn’t sleep a wink. The demons crept all over me until 5:00am. I went to the loo four times, ate a yoghurt, went on social media, read the news, did Wordle, drank water, tossed and turned in my bed… It was horrible.

I’ve now had 24 hours to let it sink in, so although I’m still very, very anxious, I’m not completely overcome by the fear as I was last night.

For any women reading this, wanting to know my symptoms, this is my timeline so far:

18/05/2018    Started HRT patches for first time

10/01/2021    Stopped HRT patches

14/04/2021    Cervical screening showed HPV virus

18/06/2021    Hot flushes so severe I restarted HRT

15/09/2021    Coil removed, stared using ‘Utrogestan 100’ progesterone tablets instead

08/12/2021 – 14/12/202    BLEEDING

17/12/2021     Doctor’s appointment to discuss bleeding, presumed to be menstrual cycle breakthrough bleeding, told me to have monthly 3 days off progesterone, and she’d refer me for a scan but it wasn’t urgent (not two week pathway)

07/03/2022    Ultrasound of womb showed thickened uterine lining and a couple of fibroids

09/03/2022    Referred to hospital gynae team

15/03/2022    Hysteroscopy and biopsy(?)